My Story about Healing: Moving from “What is wrong with me” to “What is happening – how can I take better care of myself?”

When I was a little girl, I had a lot of ear infections.  Did anyone else experience that?  Every summer in the middle of the fun of swimming in the pool, I would get an ear infection and one year I got one on my birthday. Obviously, I still remember it.  It was a sad time.  I always felt like I was missing out on things.  And it became a pattern.  I would go to the doctor and get lamb’s wool and drops put in my ear.  It hurt a lot.  I can still remember trying to get comfortable lying on the couch and only being able to lay on one side… hearing all the kids splashing in the pool outside.

In the fall or winter as I got older, I would get strep throat.  It also was a pretty regular pattern.  I would get penicillin.  It seemed like every time I was sick, I got some “medicine”.  Usually penicillin or another antibiotic. 

As life continued there are other times when I was “sick, and I “got better”,  but was not sure what was really going on.   One time in high school I woke up in the early morning with a “pinched nerve” in my neck.  I could not move my head and I was in so much pain.  Well, off to the hospital we went, where I got some “drugs” – muscle relaxers, laid on the coach until the pain subsided and then I was “better”.  Again, no known cause.

When I became a young adult and was attending college away from home at the end of a semester I was studying hard for finals and ate a lot of peanut M and Ms.  I went to sleep and awoke in the middle of the night feeling swollen.  I looked in the mirror and I looked like ET!  I woke up my roommate and she called an ambulance as we were concerned that if I was having an “allergic reaction” my breathing would become compromised.   The paramedics agreed that I should be watched, they gave me some oxygen and brought me to the hospital where I stayed for a few hours and they pumped me with adrenalin – Benadryl to ease the allergic reaction… to what?  They never found out.  It was all a guess.  The peanuts? The can of soup I had eaten?  No one ever considered the amount of stress I might have been under.

The big scary diagnosis came with breast cancer at age 50.  During my “routine” exam my OBGYN found a “enlarged gland” in my breast.  He recommended that I go have my regular mammogram.  When I arrived at a late appointment on a Friday afternoon, expecting a “routine” mammogram, I was asked to stay for a biopsy… it was late, and I was alone.

I think I checked out of my body and went into flight mode…I followed Drs recommendations and had a large painful needle inserted into my breast.  “Oh, by the way, can we leave a little metal chip in there so we can keep track of the location?”  Of course, I just wanted to get this over with…   I was headed to a wedding that weekend and, I was told there would not be any results until Monday.  So there wasn’t anything I could do, but wait.  

So, I carried on with this weight in my chest… wondering and trying hard to stay positive.  When I got a call on Monday, I was told it was positive for some cancer… I needed to come in as soon as possible to learn more.  And the process unfolded.  The whole time I felt fearful and scared…it was overwhelming.  All of a sudden, I was having tests to see what they needed to do to prepare me for the treatments.  I had an IUD which had been placed to slow my bleeding during my peri-menopause.  I really didn’t understand the implications of the hormonal impact on Cancer, and now I was told that the Cancer I had was fed by Progesterone and Estrogen.  So, we better take that IUD out… well… at the time I had never thought about whether or not the IUD was a possible cause for the lump? 

It was pretty small, the lump… somewhere between Stage 1 and 2.  Before I knew it, I was visiting with the Oncologist and we were discussing the surgery… and things moved pretty quickly.  I consulted with others who had been through the process, made sure I had the best team of Drs. And followed the plan to the T.  I had a lymph node removed and it was “positive” but my surgeon decided that that was all that should be removed. However, this meant chemotherapy was recommended. So many variables.  I was, and still am so glad she was conservative.  I also had the option of getting and MRI and she advised against it because she felt there were too many false positives.  Wow!  That was amazing … she was so honest and protecting me from worry!

All throughout my treatment I worked with a Naturopathic Dr. who supported my immune system with supplements and dietary recommendations.  I was at a turning point in my life.   I had gone to therapy leading up to a divorce and then this happened about 10 years later.  I became more aware of my story, and myself. I was learning who I was because of what I had experienced in my life, and how I had internalized it and expressed it, especially as a child and in future relationships.  My work as a Speech Language Pathologist and being a Parent were my greatest teachers.  I was becoming self-aware.

I have an ACE score of 6 – not a diagnosis.  This number describes the number of Adverse Childhood Experiences I can recall.    This understanding of my life allows me to relate to the anxiety I grew up with in a different way.  Of course, I had illness in childhood.  Not everyone had ear infections … I used to think it was “just part of growing up”.  Many of my ACES occurred in my first 3-10 years, very formative years where attachment and the ability to regulate came in.  That’s where the immune system gets either built up or worn out.

I was and I am resilient.  There were and still are “helpers” in my life.  However, some of the many stressful events I experienced live in my body and resurface as the healing continues.  It’s not an either- or situation.  And it is an opportunity for healing, not a death sentence!

So, while I was going through treatment for Cancer, and had lost my hair, and looked like a fifty year old baby doll, I was given a gift one day!  A woman I knew, the Mom of one of my daughter’s friends, stopped me in a bakery, looked me in the eye and said, “You are healing!”  OMG, that changed my life.  I was healing,  I was spending time at home, taking care of myself, feeling and getting love and care from others, building my spiritual practice, dreaming of better days, feeling my feelings, listening to music, listening to coaching sessions on Hay House Radio… and I was becoming more whole.  I was learning to accept what had happened in the past and move forward.  It was a scary and challenging time and a time of great growth, learning and healing, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

So, when there is a crisis around health, I get triggered.  I get triggered in a good way.  I now know there is more healing to do.  For all… we all have healing to do.  I am inviting you all to take this time to feel the fear, and anxiety and recognize where it comes from and how it is fed.  I see this as a time to be the change.  I am concerned that when people are sick their first reaction is to go to the Dr. and get “medicine”.  I am concerned that we are trying to test and diagnose every difference and symptom we experience.  I wish we could look at our lives and understand that when I was that little girl things were happening at my home that were really stressful, and my immune system was compromised.  I needed more emotional support and my family needed more emotional support.  I’m not sure we needed that pill.  That was then and this is now. 

I bring my learning here, into the present for others to have for their learning if they choose. 

I ask for each of us to feel the emotions that come up and recognize the things we cannot control with a diagnosis and a pill. 

I question the sustainability of this practice of testing, diagnosing and treating and then putting vaccinations in the human body. It is creating an environment of extreme toxic stress. 

I see many other possibilities to support people with compromised immune systems, beginning with creating a sense of safety, security and love.  Our children and grandchildren deserve a healthy environment filled with healthy people.

I feel the effects of breast cancer every day.  I see the gift it gave me.  And every day I take time to take care of myself and be kind to myself.  I set boundaries and have a host of things I can do to support myself when symptoms arise.  You can too. 

If we want things to change, we have to do things differently.  

How do you want things to change? 

 How can you change?